


(the best and) the worst you can be

by literatiruinedme



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: F/M, Rebelcaptainsecretsanta, bughead - Freeform, just trust me guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-27 16:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17165495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literatiruinedme/pseuds/literatiruinedme
Summary: For cassianserso's prompt:My heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing that you love me, too. Just your heart in exchange for mine.





	(the best and) the worst you can be

**Author's Note:**

> and the [mood board](https://imgur.com/yVafeVu)

It hurt, hearing him say he was done with her- _with your Gangland bullshit_ , as Leia had put it -but she couldn’t quit him. He’d explained that he’d been backed into a corner, forced to break up with her for her safety (she’d pry later, but not in the diner, not in public where anyone could overhear) and she’d held out, but after a few days, his kind eyes and sincerity had won her back.

So they sat and they ate and she couldn’t help slipping back into their routine.

But she still hadn’t made him fess up and explain what was going on.

Jyn rested her boot on the edge of the booth next to where Cassian sat opposite her. She relaxed when his hand rested on her ankle, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing back and forth over her exposed skin.

He flipped through his phone, reading article after article as her fingers hovered over the keyboard of her laptop, the article she had been working on for the school paper forgotten long ago in favour of observing him. His brows were furrowed in concentration. He tilted his head to the side, a tell that he was getting lost in his thoughts.

She nudged his hip, drawing his gaze up to hers. She smiled at the adorable wrinkle of his brow. “What're you investigating there?” she asked, reaching out to steal a French fry.

Cassian sighed, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. “Just rereading articles.”

Jyn hummed as she ate. “Articles about what exactly?”

He looked back down at his phone, shrugging a shoulder. “The Serpents, Lando’s family drama, nothing crazy.”

_He could never lie for shit when it came to her._

“Cassian.”

He frowned. “Don't.”

“I'm not.”

He looked up at her with sad eyes. “There’s nothing wrong.”

Jyn hummed, nodding her head. Cassian reread articles often enough, but he only tortured himself by rereading his own when he was obsessing, convinced he was missing something. She tapped his hip with her boot again. “Promise?”

Cassian looked up at her, back down at his phone, and then back to her eyes. “No comment.”

She reached out for his hand on the table next to his half-empty milkshake. Her fingers threaded through his, her thumb slowly rubbing back and forth over his soft skin. “So I have to speculate?”

He squeezed her hand. “I just don't want to talk about it.”

She frowned, pulling his hand up to her lips. She slowly kissed her way over knuckles. “We don't have to talk.” She closed her eyes when he pulled his hand free to cup her cheek. “It’s nothing that's life or death, right?”

He stayed quiet.

Jyn's eyes popped open. “Right, Cass?”

He looked down at the table, unwilling to meet her eyes.

“Let’s go to my place.” Jyn shut her laptop before reaching out for a few more fries. “Papa's still away and I would really enjoy your company elsewhere.”

He visibly relaxed. “We could do that.”

“Good.” She smiled, shoving her laptop into her messenger bag. “Oh, I have a surprise for you.”

His brows furrowed. “A surprise?”

Jyn nodded, folding the edges of the paper containing their fries until she could wrap the bundle up with a napkin and slip it in her bag. They'd pick through it later, but she'd end up finishing it, she always did.

He poured their milkshakes into two to-go containers. “Can I get a hint?”

“You're not going to be fully on board with it, then you'll like it, then you'll love it and you'll make me teach you how to use it.” She looked up at Cassian, laughing at the puzzled expression on his face. She stepped closer, leaning up to peck his lips. “Just come outside and you'll see.”

He nodded after a few seconds of hesitation. “Alright.”

They packed up the last of their things before thanking old Ben for their meal on their way out the door. Jyn led them around towards the side of the building, ultimately leaning back against a motorcycle- _her_ motorcycle.

“ _Whoa._ ”

Jyn grinned. “I know. She's a beauty, isn't she?”

“This is-” He wet his lips, his eyes still scanning the motorcycle as he tried to process it. “It's yours?”

“Yes.” She nodded slowly, her lips twisting into a hesitant smile as she quickly straightened, standing between him and the motorcycle. “Do you not-” She paused. “We can walk if you want to.”

“No-”

“Or take the bus,” Jyn interrupted. _God, he probably hated it._ “We can call your mother-”

Cassian's eyes went wide. “ _No_.” He took a step closer, his hands finding hers. He looked at the motorcycle again before meeting her eyes. “No, this is fine.”

Jyn quirked a brow, barely holding back a smile. “Just fine?”

“Better than fine.” He chuckled, leaning down to kiss her lips. “I’m sorry, I haven't been on one before.”

“Oh,” Jyn hummed, reaching out to rest her hands on his hips. “So you're scared?”

Cassian scoffed. “No way.”

Jyn reached back to grab her helmet before holding it out to him. “Then let's go.”

He hesitantly took the helmet from her hands. “Don't you need one?”

“We'll buy another one later.” She shrugged, reaching up to take off her beanie before shoving it in the pocket of her jacket. She smiled at him as she reaching down for the extra hair tie he kept on his wrist, pulling her hair back into a messy bun before throwing her leg over the side. She pat the seat behind her. “Come on, Cassi.”

Cassian took a deep breath before pulling the helmet on and sitting down behind her. He clipped the buckle by his chin, giving her a hesitant smile. “Ready.”

Jyn reached back to grab his hands, wrapping his arms around her. “Hold on tight, alright?”

He nodded. He squeezed her tightly as she turned the engine over. “Go slow.”

“Slow's worse.” Jyn kicked the stand up before glancing back up at him with a grin. “You’ll have fun.” She turned away before he could protest, revving the engine before they sped off in the direction of the trailer park. 

* * *

Cassian pulled the helmet off his head, looking a little shaken up, but she smirked at the glint in his eyes.

“That was…” He shook his head.

Jyn chuckled, pulling her hair free before grabbing his hand. “It was fun and you already want to go out again,” she said as they walked up the thin metal steps to her front door.

He hummed, pulling her closer as a breeze shook the leaves on the trees surrounding the edge of the property. “Sure.”

“ _Cassian._ ” She smiled despite herself.

He chuckled, leaning down to kiss her shoulder as she worked her key into the cheap lock. “No, I did like it.”

She twisted the door handle before throwing her weight into the door to get it open. She pulled him inside by his hand. “I knew you would.” The floor creaked below their combined weight.

He closed the door behind them, turning her to face him.

She quirked a brow when he leaned closer. “Where’s that explanation I was promised?”

Cassian frowned, looking down at the worn carpet. “Okay.” He looked back up at her when she pulled back, one hand sliding down his arm before their fingers intertwined.

She led them to the couch, letting him pull her legs into his lap after they sat down.

He fiddled with the clasps on her boots, looking for any way to keep his hands occupied, something Jyn had seen him do ever since they were kids.

“What is it?” she asked, raising his face with a finger under his chin.

“I just-” His eyes slipped closed as he rested his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Jyn frowned, an unpleasant feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. “Cassi, what’s going on?”

He pursed his lips, pulling away from her entirely. “I can’t-”

“No-” She grabbed his arm, pulling him back in. “Don’t do that.”

His eyes lined with tears.

Her free hand slid into his hair. “Talk to me.”

“I should have-”

Jyn reached up to cup his face, forcing him to look up at her. “Don't do that to yourself,” she said, gently kissing his lips. “Don't worry about what you should have done, just tell me about it _now_.”

Cassian’s eyes slipped shut as he leaned into her touch.

“You remember the White Hood?”

Jyn frowned- Yivan was a small town, a killer on the loose tended to be something you couldn’t even _attempt_ to forget about. “Yes,” she said hesitantly. “What does any of that-” She stopped herself as Cassian took a shaky breath. “Cass?”

“He’s been calling me.”

“ _What?_ ” Jyn asked, eyes wide.

He carefully tugged one of her boots off, laying it on the floor next to them before he began to unfasten the other. “He told me to cut Han out of my life first-”

_That explained the weird fight they got into._

He sighed, chewing on his lower lip. “And I agreed to it.” He dropped her other shoe to the ground with a dull thud. He pulled her into his lap, both of them smiling softly when she let out a noise of surprise. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close as she relaxed in his arms.

Their smiles faded.

Jyn reached out to touch his arm, drawing his gaze to hers. “What are you getting at, Cassian?”

He closed his eyes long enough to take a breath. “He was the one who wanted me to do the same with you.” His voice was barely audible. He looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes. “He threatened you and I- I couldn’t let myself be the reason for-” He stopped his rambling when she reached out to brush a lock of hair from his eyes. “I didn’t want to be the reason you got hurt. I'm sorry.”

“I bounce back fast, you know that.” She cupped his cheek. “Cassian, you have to remember, I can’t be Nancy Drew without you. You talk to me about things like that, got that?”

He nodded.

She took a shaky breath, pulling him closer, her hands fisted in his shirt. “I need you to say you understand.”

“I understand.”

She kissed his cheek. “Good.” She looked up at him, waiting for him to continue. “Now what?”

He sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “What can we do?”

Jyn hummed, grinning up at him. “Call his bluff. Tap into that dark part of you that scares _me_.” She gave him a mischievous smile. “If he wants to play games we can play them, but I follow through on my threats.”

He nodded, burying his face in her shoulder.

She reached up to rest her hand on the back of his neck when she felt something drip onto her shoulder. “Cass?”

“I can’t stop thinking about it.” He took a deep breath, shaking in her arms. “He could have hurt you-” He cut himself off with a choked sob.

She shushed him, doing her best to reassure him with firm touches. “He didn’t though.” She whispered, rubbing her hand up and down his arm. “He wouldn’t succeed.” She kissed his temple. “He’s not as strong as you, Cassian Andor, nor the two of us when we’ve put our minds to something. You need to remember that.”

“But-”

“He’s a coward. He hides under a mask, _you-_ ” She pulled back, cupping his face as she wiped away the tears slipping down his cheeks. “You show up and you don’t back down from anyone. You do the right thing.”

Cassian squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to fight back tears. “Jyn, I’m not-”

“You’re a good man, Cass.” She smiled up at him. “You know that?”

He nodded.

“Then stop worrying what some lowlife thinks about you.” She paused. “Unless that lowlife is me.”

He laughed, leaning in to kiss her.

“Just don’t do that again.” Jyn leaned up to kiss his brow. “I can't lose you.”

“You won't.” His arms tightened around her waist. “My heart,” he breathed. “It feels like my chest can barely contain it- like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you.”

Jyn couldn’t help but smile. She may have always been his, but it was nice to hear that her feelings were requited, that she’d finally been able to work her way into his heart.

“If you wanted it,” he said. “I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing that you love me, too.”

She leaned in to kiss him, his lips gentle against hers. She rested her forehead against his when she pulled away, her eyes closed tightly.

“Just your heart in exchange for mine.”

She shifted so her knees were planted on either side of his hips. She kissed him firmly on the lips. “I love you,” she said, her voice quiet. “I love you so much, you moron.”

Cassian smiled, holding her tighter. “You do?”

“I’ve been in love with you since you stupidly challenged Sweet Pea about me being the better mechanic back when we were in middle school.”

He rolled his eyes, though the beautiful smile on his lips undermined the gesture.

Even though Sweet Pea had at least half a foot on him, Cassian hadn’t even hesitated before defending Jyn. While Jyn had always been adamant about being able to take care of herself, she’d still found the thought of him defending her honour to be achingly sweet.

Her thumb grazed his lower lip before she leaned in to kiss him again. “I could never stop loving you, Cassian Andor.”

His whole body relaxed as a soft smile found its way to his lips. “I love you so much.”

Jyn grinned, taking a steadying breath before she leaned in to kiss him again. “I know,” she sighed happily, her fingers absentmindedly playing with his hair.

He chortled, burying his face in the crook of her neck as he gave her a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.”

She pulled back, looking down at him with furrowed brows. “What are you thanking me for?”

He shrugged. “You keep me sane.”

“That’s just not true,” she chuckled, leaning back onto the couch. “You worry about me way too much.”

Cassian huffed, resting his hand on her shin. “In my defense, you are _officially_ in a gang now.”

“Hey, I needed support, but you sent Leia to break up with me instead.”

Jyn would never throw out her weaknesses as an excuse, but it was the truth. Her entire world had been crumbling around her- what with her father in jail, her mother rejecting her, being isolated in a new school, and then Leia cutting ties for both herself and Cassian in one go.

So she’d decided to let go of her old life and officially joined The Serpents. “Papa kept the peace,” she explained. “Someone needed to step in in his absence, so I did it.”

“I know.” Cassian nodded, looking down at his hand on her leg. “I’m just sorry I abandoned you.”

Jyn shrugged, looking up at the ceiling. “I needed a little push, even if neither of us liked it.” Her eyes burned, but she ignored it. She laughed to herself, imagining how enraged he would’ve been at the beating she’d had to take to finish her initiation, even if she’d taken it like a champ. “You would’ve lost your mind when you saw the damage, anyway.”

His head shot up, eyes wide. “What the fuck did they do to you, Jyn?”

She bit her bottom lip. “This is going to have to be one of those times where I say I can’t tell you and you just have to accept it.”

He nodded slowly. “But promise me that won’t be our every day from now on?”

She sat up, smiling as she leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Promise.”

Cassian smiled, gently pushing her onto her back on the couch beside him.

Jyn laughed as he crawled between her thighs, the springs of the couch creaking below them. “What're you-”

“I just miss holding you,” he admitted, resting his forehead against her collarbone. He pulled back after a few moments to kiss her soft skin, avoiding the cut an inch or so from her shoulder as he worked his way towards her heart.

“You're something else, Cass.”

He smiled up at her, resting his head on her shoulder. He stayed quiet for a few moments before- “You joined the Serpents officially?”

“Yes.” Jyn reached out to brush her fingers through his hair.

He hummed. “What's that entail?”

She chuckled. “All the benefits of before, only now I have a cool tattoo and they finally take me seriously.”

Cassian shot up, looking at her with wide eyes. “You got a tattoo?”

She nodded, biting her lower lip in a half-assed attempt to hide her smile. She sat up, shedding her leather jacket to reveal the dual-headed green snake in the shape of an _S_ imprinted on her right shoulder. She scooted closer, her legs loosely wrapped around his waist.

His fingers trailed around the perimeter, careful not to touch. “Does it hurt?”

“No.” Jyn shook her head, resting her left arm over the back of the couch, the upholstery rough below her fingertips. “It's a little over a week old, so it's still healing, but it only hurt for a day or two.”

He hummed, still not looking up.

She watched patiently as he scanned the tattoo over and over as if the snake would jump off her shoulder and attack him. “Cass?”

He looked over at her, his eyes open and vulnerable. “Yes?”

Maybe they were too different. She gave him a once-over; Cassian, her well-off boyfriend with his soft peach sweater and expensive jeans. His house was new and his mother kept it looking like they had a house showing everyday of the week. He came back to home cooked meals and clean sheets and a security system. A cushy life on the right side of town, far away from the the thirty year old trailer she (and Papa) called home. Juxtaposed against her threadbare clothes and her well-loved leather jacket advertising the gang she’d joined hanging off the edge of the couch that was older than both of them in her family’s decrepit trailer, she could only spot differences between them.

They were so different, she didn’t understand how they worked- but then she noticed how the ugly yellow-orange walls of her home somehow managed to make his olive skin glow and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling.

He smiled back. “What?”

They worked because he could always find some level they could connect on, even when he wasn’t trying, and she loved him for it. “You’re okay with this?”

He nodded. “I’m with you.”

Jyn leaned in to press her lips to his. “All the way.”

 


End file.
